Story:
Usha Sherchan
Boundless Dignity
Not any beautiful flower had blossomed in my garden even after twelve years of my marriage. River also returns to flow in reverse direction in twelve years' period, goes a popular saying, but I hadn't seen a scintilla of hope that my fortune's river might return someday from somewhere. I had been hopelessly thinking that my wishes might only be wishes.
Finding the laps of my contemporaries including those junior to me filled with babies, I had realized that the world was an infertile ground for me. What didn’t I do during such a long time with the hope of filling my lap with baby? Whatever I did and wherever I reached, I returned bare handed.
I visited shamans and witch doctors. I followed remedies like allopathic and homeopathic but nothing happened despite I spent abundance amount of wealth to translate my dream into reality.
Each doctor to whom I visited said to me that I had fertility power and was capable to give birth to children. "So far we don't find fault on your part, you better come with your husband for check up so as to find whose weakness it is," doctors used to say. I frequently requested my Husband for consulting doctors but he simply parried my requests. "I’m all right and needn't to be checked, you know!” This is how he used to silence me.
Probably with the ubiquitous fear of being justified an incompetent male or due to the fear of being questioned on his manhood, Husband didn't budge from his stance of not visiting doctors despite my several requests which subsequently turned naught. With him turning deaf ears over my requests, I also left making further requests.
It's not that I didn't advise for surrogate mother or second wife for Husband. I told it about many times. Husband, however, used to give me a readymade answer, "Ah.......! Why are you giving bother to yourself? Whether we'll have child or not depends on you! So far we don't have any, better to console ourselves in the name of destiny."
As Husband went on reiterating same things, I too believed that his words were almost right. If we had hired surrogate mother or taken second wife for him, it was not certain that the child's mother wouldn't claim her offspring later! And even if she didn't claim, could I be able to give true motherly care to the child as if that's my own? What a situation of catch 22 which haunted me all the time! Since doctors had already clarified that I had fertility power, I was still preserving a hope. Sometimes I felt like protesting and asked with the self, "Why should I have to live with a tag of 'barren woman' though I wasn't so as doctors have said." However, I used to be a resilient woman after a while and remained calm.
II
I was unstoppably growing passionate for something.
Often, I imagined that a seed in my womb was growing.
I had desired to have an experience of motherhood.
Really, I wanted to be a mother. This passion had so strongly rooted in me that I thought of making any sacrifice to materialize my passion, but my heart didn't permit me in hiring a surrogate mother or bringing second wife for Husband. All the time what I thought was to be a mother.
When I couldn't be a mother despite my frequent attempts and strong wills, I not only began to hate my existence but also kept myself in extreme despair.
As I couldn't be pregnant from natural physical relationships with Husband my intimacy with him turned to be a prickly thorn. No impatience no eagerness! I was much disinterested for his physical needs. I even felt difficulty in fulfilling my wifely duties for him. I used to pass my days in anxiety and nights in lamentation. I was sinking in the depth of a vast ocean of sorrow.
In fact, I was fighting with the hill of unlimited sufferings and false beliefs of this conservative society that views barren women from critical eyes.
Like others, I too couldn't be an exception in believing that a woman can’t be perfect until she becomes a mother. I can't describe my sad feelings while being assaulted verbally—barrenness is the resultant cause of previous birth. People in society also used to say that seeing barren woman was the harbinger of bad luck. There is pillow to show the evidence of how much I cried and here is my heart that used to be aching due to the pain of their verbal attacks. What could I do at that time rather than silently suffering pains of severe criticisms that pierced my chest? Tears used to be continuously rolling down my cheeks like water in Indian holy rivers—Ganga Jamuna.
Even in this era of twenty first century, people of conservative society don't like to leave behind the culture and tradition of yore and continue to curse women giving the onus of childless condition. In case males have physical incompetence, they stroll freely leaving the onus of the weakness upon their wives like me.
III
At the time while I was weltering in pains and anxieties, a Non Residential Nepali (NRN) friend of my Husband came in our home. He wasn't only a childhood friend of Husband but both had grown up together and educated together from school to college. Husband often said that he had gone abroad to pursue higher education and later started working in a reputed company there. He also started his own business then. Husband said he had earned a huge sum of money and fame.
They would frequently chat in online, sent emails and even spoke on telephone. Probably these were the things which made him like a familiar person for me.
I saw endless waves of happiness manifesting on their faces after they separated from each others' embraces. For a while they forgot my presence and lost in each other's companies. I was relentlessly drinking pleasures of camaraderie of these two friends.
Finding me silently standing beside them, Husband’s friend turned and speculated, “Sister in law?” I smiled and nodded head. He then greeted me joining both hands and said banteringly, “I couldn't come in his marriage. Sister in law! What's about giving me the wedding party? I frequently urged him to come abroad with you but he never listened. He always dismissed my requests. Oh! How quickly time passes? I just feel like yesterday that he married you but twelve years have elapsed. Now, I myself came here thinking that he mightn't come for the same. How did you feel my surprise visit, sister in law?”
In the meantime Husband interrupted him and said, “Leave these all matters and tell me where have you been staying?” Knowing that his friend had been staying in an expensive hotel, Husband looked a little bit angry, “Stupid! Why did you stay in hotel? Haven't I a room for you? It might be small and simple than the hotel you are living in but my love and intimacy mightn't let you realize them, you know friend?" Then he rose up from his seat, didn't speak for a while and said, “Let’s go to the hotel for check out!”
Husband's friend also couldn’t ignore the request and followed him. Both returned in house with his baggage in an hour.
A successful businessman, he had already accumulated huge sum of property and had arrived in his motherland for a benevolent purpose. He was here for nearly one and half months.
Especially, he had been here with a decent objective of assisting conflict hit women and kids in Nepal.
IV
He looked kind, healthy and handsome.
He had all qualities which a gentleman needs to have. I didn’t see a scintilla of selfishness and arrogance in him.
Though he spent many years in abroad, he had full respect and love for his motherland and was interested doing something for its people. What an attractive and rich personality he had! Vigor and enthusiasm were added advantages. It didn’t take long time for me to be friendly with him. He was frank and friendly.
He was the only son of his parents, who also had gone abroad to live with their son but they passed away before their long cherished dream of seeing their son's marriage. He remained bachelor throughout his life. He used to say that he had no interest in marriage. After death of his parents, he started saying pessimistically, “I didn’t marry while my parents were alive. What's the meaning of marrying while I have no parents?"
"In western countries, people can easily fulfill their physical needs. I didn’t marry since I didn't like to be entangled in the tyranny of family life," he said, adding, he remained a bachelor to lead a free and happy life which was his wish.
I looked sad and gloomy beyond the expectations of Husband's friend who wanted to see me happy and wanted me share laughter with him while he was telling his experiences with juicy details. His attention was drawn more to me when he noticed sadness in me.
Members of my family not only twisted real reasons of my anxiety but requested him to persuade Husband for his second marriage.
He might have understood their malice towards me, or the reasons of my sadness, he began to show more sympathy and affection to me. He appeared to be lovely and kind to me.
At the time, there was nothing big than the pain of being a barren woman. Worldly happiness and intimacy among friends were meaningless to me. For me they were all formalities.
Husband’s friend left no loopholes in his attempt of giving happiness to my family. Whenever he stayed in our house, he went on attempting to give life to this house which looked lifeless.
Who can stop time? Who can bar it? Who can block its source? It flows unstoppable. It continuously flows—sometimes carrying mountain of sadness, sometimes carrying waves of happiness.
At the time while I was sinking in the darkness of sorrow, a ray of hope appeared before me.
VI
I didn't believe the moment that arrived beside me with good news. Is it a dream? I pinched myself. With boundless joys and happiness, I kissed the report card that was in my hand. Urine test report which was just taken from pathology showed “positive.” My eyes had been used to in seeing "negative" but now I was astonished seeing "positive" for the first time. After these miserable twelve years, a great opportunity to be a mother came before me. I was going to get the fruit of my long penance.
News of my pregnancy stimulated a flash flood of happiness in house in such a way that was almost impossible to control by any force. Everyone's attention was drawn towards me. I had been a stellar attraction in house. Especially Husband began giving extra attention for my diet and took me at hospital for regular check ups and consultations. He bought and read books written for lactating mothers and their husbands.
After our intolerable waiting, the day arrived taking the guest to whom we were going to welcome.
I was admitted in hospital. Immensurable pain of pregnancy was changing into a sweet experience.
Husband was standing beside the door of maternal ward. While he was walking here and there in simmering impatience, nurses were banteringly told me the Husband's condition. They were also saying that husbands are allowed to sit beside their wives' beds in western countries so that they could see pain of child birth, unlike in Nepal. A husband can do nothing than standing impatiently beside door and waiting for news from nurses, they were saying.
Many people had advised me to use ultrasound to know whether son or daughter was in my womb. But, I needed only child, whether that would be son or daughter. I was in the condition of accepting anything happily as a precious gift of creation. In this era of twenty first century matter of son or daughter isn't much important. The legal system has already guaranteed equal rights to son and daughter. Happiness of maternal experience that I was getting after these miserable twelve years made me jubilant. I was very lucky in this sense.
I can’ express my happiness and the baby blue experience that I amassed after child birth. I didn't know where the innumerable pains of child birth had gone? I forgot all pains in no time as I saw the baby in front of me.
I was unable to capture joyous moments when a female doctor congratulated me placing a baby on my chest. I was on air with happiness. Getting this paragon gift of creation, my heart was dancing in madness as if many hundreds spring seasons were surrounding me on the occasion of a festive season. I felt as if many thousands rainbows altogether were bringing earth and sky in same place. Oh! I can’t express the sublime joy in words, I can only recall!
The pride of motherhood was just like a feeling coming after wining a huge battle.
Husband and family members were allowed to enter into only when I was shifted in cabin! Husband was eagerly waiting displaying his all thirty-two teeth. His face was filled with the signs of happiness while hands were filled with sweets.
He made a beeline towards the new born baby and started to spoke with him, “Oh! How is my son? Look.......! Look his beauty sleep! Wake up piece of my heart, wake up and see your father looking you!” He was feeling proud and boasting at giving some money to the son which is a ritual of Hindus at the time of seeing face of new born babies. With him all members of my family and from my maternal home came to claim their lion's share of joy.
Turn by turn they pampered the child and passed him from one lap to other. Some of them were saying, "See how cute the baby is!" Others were praising perfect health of the child. One was saying, “He seems like sharing equal features from mother and father” while some others were saying that the baby was an exact replica of his mother. Meanwhile one said that the baby looked exactly like his father and hearing this Husband was elated with happiness.
I too was involving in the festive moment and silently digesting words spoken for the child in hyperbolic fashion.
The happiness that I got after twelve years was inexpressible, beyond this I had metamorphosed into a perfect woman from a half woman ever since I gave birth to the child. I also got rid from the tag—barren woman—which was hanging behind me for long. I was swimming in the sea of satisfaction. Waves of ecstasy were running in me.
Frequent parties were organized at my home. I was enjoying seeing the cherubic visage of my Husband and I was also feeling proud for myself.
I began to be happy since my sorrows had flown thousands miles far. The entire world of mine was confined in my son. I turned to be a dotting mother from a barren woman. Keeping myself aloof from this world, I was lost in my own world. Drinking elixir of motherhood, I began to be satisfied boundlessly. I started to fly in a strange world of motherhood.
My life had been a dry desert but it was moistened by pleasant rain of Shrawan, a month in rainy season. I was thoroughly bedraggled by boundless joys observing each activity of my son. Dark poisonous cloud of despair had already gone from my life. Even my complaint that god gave me life but not other tidbits to live came to an end.
Husband's way of life had also been changed absolutely as if he has ascended heaven from hellish life. His days used to begin from son and end in son. Instead of praying sun-god early morning, he worshiped his son first. He took extra care over his progeny in connection to his sleeping, eating and health facilities. In case the child suffered from common cold, he took him to hospital. Whether they were days or nights! The doting father kept himself in red alert position for his son. He behaved as if he was born for son—a progeny who is meant to continue his family generation.
VII
While vehicle of our family life was running smoothly, a shocking email sent by the non-residential friend gave a sudden jerk in our journey. A huge earthquake fell over our family life. I lacked courage to stop the tsunami spurned by waves of ocean. It was certain that the earthquake and tsunami were bringing a topsy-turvy result in our life.
The email read—
"Dearest friend,
I just came to know that I was suffering from cancer. I knew it before it was too late. Doctors have said that I would live only three months. However, I have no fear with death. I lived life in full swing as per my wishes. You know our death is fixed at the day of birth. Birth and death—two sides of same coin—are natural processes. Everyone should be involved in the great journey of death. None of our wishes work, we can’t die when we want and we die when don't want. This is universal truth. No one is immortal. It’s only sooner or later. So I have no regression for my untimely death."
But Husband's friend was unable to take a heavy load of falsehood with his death. The email further read—
"Whatever I did in my life was never based on falsehood but, in one case, a situation compelled me to take help of it just to make gloomy dark world of my closest friend happier—just to give a precious gift to him. Not to let break the rope of my friend's family generation and to get rid of him from endless pain of being childless!
You know well that I remained unmarried during my life. The reason is I liked to soar freely in open sky and I never thought about family and relations. I used to think that family and relations were all meaningless. Tell me honestly, how many people live on remembering names of their grandparents in the name of running generations. People don't hesitate to push lives of their parents into hellish ditch these days. Do you think they really remember and respect their dead ancestors?
What's the meaning of giving birth to children when we come and go alone? To give same sorrows that we face in our lives? People give birth to children for their own pleasure—to cherish their own happiness and satisfaction. And yet they live a life of illusion in connection to their children. These might be the things which made me disinterested with family life.
I never promised with any girls—who came to sleep in my arms—for marriage. Neither had I made any false commitments. I didn't even go beyond understandings that we made in course of our physical relations so why I have no reasons for regressions and humiliations.
It's not that society and my relatives hadn't raised questions over my manhood. Yes, it's true we are social beings and need society. But if this society can't do anything at the time of need why should we need it? Society did never know what I was. But it was me who knew me best. I never cared for what society would tell and thought of me. I was well known that I was a perfect male.
Last time, when I came to your home, I found that all your family members were eager for a child. Sister in law looked sad and anguished with the desire of becoming mother. At the time I thought it was right to give that happiness from my side. This could be a destiny to help give continuity to the family of my friend. After giving my sperm to sister-in-law, if you remember, I had given an inkling saying some men could be fathers after ten or twelve years of marriage. Saying I had met many such persons of those types, I had planted a false impression in your mind. How easily you believed those words and took them as truth. Now this falsehood has been giving me a pain making me unable to leave this world.
Friend! I hadn't any ill intentions or selfish desires rather than giving a progeny to run your generation. If there was anything bad in me that was my idea of erasing the eclipse from my friend’s family. But please don't take it as a betrayal against a friend. There was not even a small amorous feeling in me while I and sister in law were having physical relationship. If there was any, that was just the desire of giving a precious child to you.
Now I’m feeling there is a deadlock entangled somewhere inside me. Was that my mistake? With the feeling of crime, I’m suffering too much. So as to free myself from that guilt feeling and to make you clear everything, friend, I am writing this email.
Soon after I returned from Nepal, you had emailed the good news that you were going to be a father, getting the whole world's happiness and about your son’s baptism and Pasni, food feeding ceremony. In hyperbolic fashion you had also mentioned that sister in law was mad with happiness because of bright days ahead of her. Happiness of both of you also made me happy. I took help of this one falsehood hoping to bring positive change in my friend's life and giving a new life to sister in law who was in the verge committing suicide. At that time, I consoled myself thinking that wouldn't be a sinful act. However, I came to know about my disease recently. But coming in this final stage of life, I couldn’t hide the truth and revealing everything to you.
This falsehood has become a burden to me. I am forced to write this email because I didn’t like to die with it. Friend! Be kind over my pathetic condition and forgive me.
Don't take it otherwise. Never! The son is yours from all ways. I don’t have any claim for him. Had I any greed or desire to possess the child, I would have already returned Nepal or I would call you here in any pretext to be close with the child or to possess him.
During my life till today, I guess I didn't make any wrongdoings. At first, I had thought that this falsehood was only for benevolent purpose. And again I thought that the sin which was done for someone’s happiness or for saving someone's life couldn't be sin. I had assumed that even god would forgive me but however my heart couldn't accept when I met this comeuppance. Friend, if you also think I've committed a blunder or sinful act, forgive me.
VIII
I have kept most of my huge sum of money in trust. The work that I was supposed to start for conflict hit women and children in Nepal remained incomplete. I hope you'll surely take the onus on your shoulder and fulfill my dream. I have made you a preserver of the whole trust. And I have kept rest of property in your son's name.
My lawyer is coming to your home with all relevant documents after my death. I have already managed everything for that. I have given your name, address, telephone number, email and other details to him. I am fully hopeful that you will surely fulfill my last wish.
Only two or four days are left to meet the deadline of my death as declared by doctors. I’m writing this email with much difficulty. Probably I may not be living in this world by the time you get this email.
I hope you will understand the feelings of your friend who is laying on deathbed and has been unable to go with the load of falsehood. I’m writing this email hoping you'll understand and respect my feelings from core of your heart. Adieu........friend.........Adieu............!"
Each word written in the email was like Kalkut—deadly poison produced at the churning of the ocean—for husband. I was in a real tizzy because I was never prepared to face such reality. Husband seemed to be vomiting questions after questions over me. I too started pouring my obsessive feelings upon him.
IX
"I was lost in a sheer darkness of sorrow when your friend rose with rays of hopes in my life which was drowned in the darkness of Aaunsi. Let’s say he entered in my life becoming Vyas of Mahavarata for a short time. There wasn’t any smell of physical attachment between him and me at that time. If there was any, that was the excessive desire of motherhood. I was so eager to be a mother that I was ready to face any challenges coming ahead of me. The unstoppable greed and passion of becoming mother made me forget my wifely responsibilities at once. Or let's say I became weak for a while. And I lost myself in a different world, if you like to say in society's tongue, I deviated from my path, driven by wanton desire or lost my track and committed this mistake. What's about you males who only blame women as responsible for childless condition in family and spread illusion in society saying you are capable of fertility while you hide reality and try to keep society under illusion? Why should women face punishment for the crime they don't commit? What would happen if I had spread the news of your infertility in same society? What would happen if I had mocked your manhood? What would you have done anyway?
I had a passion to be a mother which was impossible from you. You took words of your friend as truth and thought this child was your blood. But I had already realized that you couldn’t give happiness of motherhood to me. Despite being half male you are living a full life while I had been living a miserable doggy life though I am a perfect woman.
Though I knew that I was a woman capable to be mother, I had permitted you to bring second wife for you. I was even ready to accept surrogate mother. It was you who denied all these. The society which can accept surrogate mother should also be able ready to accept surrogate father!
It's not that I didn't try to reveal every truth but you believed your friend’s words of consolation that a man could be father even after ten or twelve years of marriage. I didn’t like to snatch your happiness by revealing fact that you weren't real father of the child. I didn't like to make you worried by exposing truth. If my one false brings so much changes in someone's life and gives so much happiness, isn't it good to think it a blessing rather than a sin? So I chose to be silent.
Before reality come out, you have already given enough care to the child and grew him up with the warmth of your love. So far no one except you and I known this truth. If you rejected us and threw like flies from milk, obviously that would spread like blazing fire. Then you should be ready to bear much loss than I do.
Only once in my life I deviated from my wifely duty which was both for us—to get a progeny to run your family generation.
Though I just offered my body in front of your friend for only once, I had you in my soul. Neither there was any romance nor love nor affection between me and him.
Let’s not talk about the time before our marriage. Be honest and tell me! Haven't you gone to sleep with any other women after you married me? Are you honest with me only? What could you do if it had been justified that you were an incapable husband? Could you remain being deprived from happiness of children just for me? Wouldn't you bring second wife or keep mistress saying to give birth to children? Please be honest.
Tell me truth from the core of your heart the way I am doing now. A male is excused for whatever wrong he does but why it becomes sin when a woman does the same? Why have we been made scapegoats of this conservative society for ages even after coming in this twenty first century? For how long shall we have to tolerate discriminations of being second class citizens?
I won’t feel any regret even if I have to leave you, your house right now. I can walk confidently without the crutch of your cognomen. This achievement of motherhood has been a good luck for me because I have been truly justified a perfect woman, let's say, I have got rebirth in real sense. So, I don’t have any regression for the mistake I have done. If there is something inside me, that's new enthusiasm, vigor and strength. The open sky outside is calling me opening its arms. More than this I have my son."
Translation: Ramchandra KC
